Let’s explore the rental market today, kids! What kind of an apartment can you get with $1200 in each of the boros? Apart from Manhattan… a 2 BR. All of these are no fee listings.

Manhattan

1BR in Inwood/Washington Heights. The ad states “Pictures are representative of typical renovations.” So does that mean this isn’t the actual apartment? Is there an actual apartment? Anyway, I chose this one because they accept dogs and cats.

Brooklyn

Midwood 2 BR. Again, maybe just a teaser. “This apartment is a must see, *however* I manage over 800 no fee apartments in Brooklyn.” The ad mentions that Joan Rivers, Chuck Schumer and Woody Allen have called Midwood home. They neglect to mention ME! Also sez Midwood neighbors Park Slope and Coney Island. Ok, I’m not sure “neighbor” is the correct word, agent Jason. It’s true, Midwood is right smack in the center of Brooklyn (Don’t bother looking at a map. In my mind it is, and that’s all that counts.) But no, it doesn’t “neighbor” PS or CI. I thought Midwood sucked when I was growing up. But now that the rest of Brooklyn is filled with the new Bourgeois Elite, Midwood is looking good to me.

Bronx

2 BR in Little Italy section. Well, it sounds like it’s a 1 BR with “office”. It’s in a private home. I’m not sure if the cleaning products shown in the Craig photos come with the apartment.

Queens

Ridgewood 2 BR. Railroad apartment near shopping. Heat and hot water included. Carpeting, new stove and cabinets. Probably a schlock renovation (yes, I AM my mother!), but I like Ridgewood. Ad lists: No section 8. No washing machine. No dryer. No pets. Love that negative advertising!

Staten Island

2 BR in a 4 room apartment. Yeah, I have NO idea where this is. Heartland Village. Sounds like a senior development. “It’s on a quiet dead end street near the golf course.” I would take it for those kitchen cabinets alone. They rock!