Author: Brett

As 2007 came to a close, it didn’t seem possible that nearly an entire year had gone by since the sale of our coop and the cancellation of our home sale due to a heinous home inspection. It’s hard not to think about all of the agents that we have crossed paths with since we began house hunting—most of them memorable because they were, well, so gosh darned inept. For those of you in the biz, we did not start out being haters. But there’s only so much bullshit one can take before one starts to get suspicious. Thankfully, there were a couple of professionals out there who made us beam.

So, because the end of the year is for reminiscing, here’s my Best of and Worst of Agent list:

Best NYC Agent:

David Branyan, Corcoran

The agent that sold our coop was (and is) amazing, a genuine pro. He specializes in a few neighborhoods he knows well, streamlines communications between buyers, sellers, managing agents, and power hungry board of directors, sells the place like crazy, and most importantly, doesn’t drive you crazy with silly stuff. Unfortunately, for us, we can’t transport him to the suburbs.

Best Suburban Agent (Nassau County Division)

Julie Safran, Daniel Gale/Sotheby’s

When we first met her, I was skeptical. We had been burned, oh, so many times…But lo and behold, when I explained what we were looking for, she actually remembered! Better than that, she scoured the listings and presented us with properties that we could actually see ourselves buying. Sounds so simple, but yet, so many agents we meet cannot, or are not willing to show us what we wanted to see. And when there are no listings for us on a particular week, she will still check in to let us know that she’s still out there, pulling up listings.

Sadly, agents like these are in the minority. We also met some characters this year (as well as last):

Worst Presentation of a Property (Subcategory: Attire): Memo to self: When showing own property which has been on the market forever, practice opening door a few times next time before making potential buyers wait 20 minutes while you fiddle with the keys—Oops! Also, avoid wearing teeny tiny mules so that buyer’s husband has to help you down the driveway and then proceed to ramble on about your ex-husband on the ride back to the office.

Worst Pricing Strategy (Kings County Division): Ok, so we didn’t actually work with this agent. But when we browsed a newly-renovated (tiny) single family in Madison, we met a guy who, when we inquired about the price of the house points to a number he had scribbled on top of the printed sell sheet, asked me, “You like?” while picking his teeth. No, I do not like.

Worst Selling Approach: (Subcategory: Best Impersonation of Norman Bates Division): This guy had us touring his property for nearly an hour, while our arms slowly grew numb from holding 18 lbs. of baby (each). When I reached for the doorknob to look downstairs, he practically slammed the door shut and insisted on showing us the upstairs first. I should have seen the red flags waving in my face then, but nothing could have prepared us for the shock of seeing the dingy basement complete with….two foundations?! “1991 construction” my ass! We only began to feel like hostages when well after his guided tour, (after which he left us to wander the house alone, or as he called it, “shop alone,”) he pressed us to stay in the house and feed and change our babies there (Huh? Won’t your clients mind when our tots grind cheerios into their rug?). He wouldn’t take no for an answer when we said we had to leave (we had already been there an hour). When we insisted on leaving, he invited us to come back to his office and search the listings there, as if our hungry 10-month-olds did not exist. Where, oh, where are those kiddie meltdowns when you need them?

Worst Behavior (Best Impersonation of Satan): This flame-haired fake pushed us to buy a property infested with black mold even after she knew that we were expecting to live there with two newborns by using every trick in the book—phoney bids, desperate calls late at night and early in the morning wanting to know “our thoughts” and offering to find a mold expert for us. Riiiight. Maybe she thought that we were desperate enough to sink our savings into a money pit because we had kids on the way or perhaps she was miffed that we got our own home inspector and didn’t use one of her lackeys. Whatever it was, when she didn’t get her way, she got ugly. She fired off a bitchy email ranting that she couldn’t believe that we didn’t consult her on our decision to cancel the sale. Um, I thought we signed an agreement that stated how you didn’t work for us? Isn’t that what we hired a lawyer for? Or maybe you’re just mad that we aren’t stoopid enough to waive our disclosure form (like a friend did) or not do an inspection at all (like one NYC agent who told us he skipped the inspection because, “he didn’t want to know”) !!!! Not surprisingly, we never heard from her again.

Worst Memory: Excuse me, but if I come out to see a listing and it’s been sold the day before, could you at least call me so I don’t have to shlep all the way out to your Podunk town? Oh, and by the way, I’m not making it up: I really can’t afford a house with 12K in taxes, so don’t pull listings and push them on me after I’ve already taken the time to explain to you what I’m looking for. Or insult me by telling me that I should like the listing because even though it’s a busy street, there are million dollar houses here. Is that supposed to impress me? And when you say you’re going to call, don’t stand me up like my Jr. High prom date. Thanks for nothing.

Worst Pitch of a Property: When I called to inquire about a property, the agent actually tried to discourage me from seeing it, telling me that it was next to “a building” and was zoned for commercial use even though it was currently a single family residence. Intrigued, we ended up calling the listing agent and discovered that the elusive building next door was actually….the library. We are still scratching our heads over that one.

Well, those are the best of the worst. If anyone can explain to me why any agent would waste his or her own time playing games with buyers instead of just getting down to business, let me know.

Oh, and Happy New Year.